Noffke moves, for sure

Posted by jrod on June 11, 2009 under QLD | 2 Comments to Read

It is now official, Noffke is going west.

Andy Bichel has called it a tragedy.

Settle down drama queen.

He is a 32 year old injury prone dude.

If Chris Simpson, James Hopes or Ryan Harris left, that would be a tragedy.

This is just annoying, very annoying, but not a fucking tragedy.

Noffke to head west, perhaps

Posted by jrod on June 10, 2009 under QLD | Be the First to Comment

Ashley (matrix) Noffke is thinking of leaving Queensland after they told him he was a 4 day cricketer.

He obviously disagrees.

So do the Australian 2020 selectors and the IPL, as in the last 18 months he has represented both of them.

Tom Moody is keen to get his hands on Noffke, because he believes 3 Queensland bowlers, Mitchell, Edmondson and Magoffin are not enough.

Noffke is also pissed he has only been offered a one year contract, but dude, you fall apart with amazing regularity, New Texas are just protecting themselves fianancially.

To be fair, Noffke has always been a bit of a grumpy cunt.

He is no Brad Hodge, but he is just below that level on the shitty stakes.

If he does go, I can only imagine Chris Simpson will start opening the bowling.

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The Sheffield Shield, brought to you by a soggy breakfast: QLD

Posted by jrod on September 30, 2008 under QLD | 6 Comments to Read

QLD, the New Texas Bulls

Players that won’t be available for large parts of the season.

Hayden, Roy?, Watson and Hopes.

Losing Watson and Hopes in the one season would cripple most state teams, but the one thing Queensland has is all rounders.

The two bets performed all rounders in state cricket last year were Ryan Harris and Ashley Noffke, they are now team mates, and Noffke has a point to prove.

Last year they were plainly spoken complete fucken rubbish. Actually they were way worse than that.

They were old, stale, and pathetic.

This year the have shed Maher and Kasprowicz, for some unknown reason kept Bichel, and Johnson has gone to be with his girlfriend.

Leadership

Chris Simpson is the new captain, and I don’t know a lot about him, it always seems risky when a team makes a fringe player a captain, but if he is the only choice, he is the only choice.

He said some strong words in the media about hard work and so forth, but so did Nathan Adcock last year, and where is he now, exactly.

Bowling

Ashley Noffke was the best bowler outside of test cricket last year. Ryan Harris was the hardest working man in show bizness last year,

But once these two are finished what does Queensland have. They have no spinners, Andy Bichel and lots of untried bowlers, Noffke and Harris would have to take a lot of wickets, and if one gets the call up, Queensland are in trouble.

Batting

Old.

Unkown.

Strugglers.

And all rounders.

I have never seen a state line up look so bare.

Noffke and Harris may end up with all the wickets and all the runs.

Long in the tooth

Andy Bichel is technically already dead and no one has told him and Martin Love is pensioner, if both of these guys play out the whole year I’d be surprised.

Ready to shed the nappies

Ummmm, shit, lets say Alistair McDermott who makes other red heads look subtle.

Nostradamus

Shield

Last.

One dayers

Last.

2020

Second Last.

The rub

They seem old and ordinary, and the probably are, remember when they were good.

The Robert DeNiro mob

Has Merv finally done right by us?

Posted by jrod on September 12, 2008 under VIC | Read the First Comment

Victorians rejoice, we are back baby.

2 Victorians in the test squad, one all but guaranteed a test place, and one a young gun.

Do a little dance, make a little love, etc…

I said not that long ago that while as Victorians we think the selectors are against us, the truth is the only player who should be in the test team is Bryce McGain.

While it should have happened in December, 10 months later it is here.

Merv stood up, but only when there was no other options.

So we cannot give him any credit for that one.

But for Peter SIZZLE that is where he gets credit.

That is the good one.

Because not only did he get Peter Sizzle into the squad, but he assholed chief Victorian tormentor Ashley Noffke, who probably should have been there on performances and for team balance.

Merv is coming of age.

Most importantly Beautiful Beau Casson is no where to be seen.

Yet again Merv, you have out done yourself.

This is the best Victorian test squad in a long time.

Obviously there are still omissions, Future PM must have been unlucky to miss out, but Katich & Watson have been picked as Symonds replacement, rather than doing with the must likely like for like selection in Hussey.

But let us not get bogged down in negativity, this is a moment for joy.

Bryce has the main spinners spot for, hopefully, as long as he deserves it.

Peter Siddle may have booked his trip with one good bowling spell in India.

With the ashes coming around, Siddle is in the drivers seat to book his trip, and with Johnson still not legit, and Clark can’t keep probing at this rate for ever.

This could be an exciting period for Victorian Cricket, about fucking time.

Well done Merv, but we do expect more of this.

And well done Bryce, you are the number one spinner in Australia, you deserve this, now go take some wickets.

New Texas defeated

Posted by jrod on February 6, 2008 under QLD, VIC | Be the First to Comment

Ashley Noffke turned out to be more benign than I thought, and therefore the Vics won easy.

The Mc’s all took wickets, the pressure they put on the Bulls was quite good, the perssure the bulls put on themselves was unbelievable. They scraped to 200odd.

Then after a small yet slightly scary collapse (3/50), Brad Hodge and Cameron white saved our @sses.

Hodge made a pretty cruisey hundred, and while he did most of the damage, White kept his huge county bat sheathed until he deemed it necessary to slog some quick runs.

And did he slog, he hit some balls that are so scrared the ball’s children will grow up petrified.

It was a welcome return to form for both men, who while they haven’t been out of form, they haven’t been their usual belligerent selves.

Also good to see the Vics win easily with Future Pm David Hussey pretty much a spectator.

Clinton McKay still worries me. He just seems loose, and not the in the bimbo sense of the word, but in a fast bowling I think he can get hit for a big shot at any time.

He is getting wickets so I am happy to say this is more my issue than anyone elses, but when he takes the new ball I feel a little nervy.

single gunman theory

Posted by jrod on February 4, 2008 under NSW, QLD, VIC | Be the First to Comment

While the rest of you Victorians are whining into your VB over the fact David Hussey is still not a real Australian player, I have found a real conspiracy theory.

Ashley Animatrix Noffke has been flicked away from the national side so he can destroy Victoria’s hopes of hosting the One day final.

Noffke’s performances against all comers this year has been of Spiderman quality, when he plays against Victoria, he becomes Batman.

He is obviously some sort of hired assassin sent by corrupt NSWelsh & Queensland administracrats to send Victoria back to the dark age.

Perhaps this is how he became so good, when before he was shocking. Some sort of new drug aimed at making you a demon allrounder when before you were a bum medium pacer.

Maybe they gave him a shot of Keith Miller blood in some sort of hooded ritual.

Just so they could beat the vics, those bastards.

The decision to drop him is odd in a cricket sense, as Stuart Clark is not a one day bowler, and Ashley Noffke is an allrounder of at least the same one day bowling potential.

So it is obviously a decision made to hurt Victorians.

Following this game the Vics play New south Wales, if Clark is dropped by then and plays against the Vics I will start a revolution.

Don’t think I wont.

ashley matrix

Posted by jrod on November 25, 2007 under QLD | 2 Comments to Read

I don’t know how many of you have watched the Animatrix short films series.

They were made as a cheat sheet for Matrix nerds (Big daddy & I) as a filler for all the plot holes between Matrix 1 & 2.

I mention this, not because I plan on giving you a review of these short films, but because one of them has sort of (not really) become true.

There is a short film in the series called, World Record, it’s by far one of the wankier ones.

It’s about a sprinter who works out that the matrix exists by his super human performances.

This reminds me of Ashely Noffke’s recent performances.

19 wickets at 20, with three 5 wicket hauls. 393 runs with one century and a few fiddys to his name. State cricket has never seen a transformation like it.

One minute he is an average bit player who destroys Victoria from time to time, and now he is Luke freakin Skywalker.

Average players need to accept their place in life, they can’t suddenly become Keith Miller or Imran Khan.

When one breaks the shackles, if they perform so far above their station in life that they rip at the very fabric of reality, their body can surely not live up to that sort of strain.

Hence why Ashley Noffke performed such a perfect superhuman job of destroying Victoria, and then his body gave way.

There are limits to human endurance, and Ashley has learnt, he is not meant to perform at that level.

Luckily for him he hasn’t ended up in an asylum like the dude in the animatrix.

However he has learnt his lesson, so we can expect more measured performances from him, none of this superman ©rap in the future.

Monica was in the second Matrix. True Story.

the slaughterhouse

Posted by jrod on November 23, 2007 under QLD, VIC | Be the First to Comment

This Bushranger tour of the Gabba has been a blood bath. (no pun intended)

First Dick Pound kidnapping Ashely Noffke just as his transformation to superhero was complete.

Then Greg Shipperd breaking Andy Bichel’s hand with a Victorian vice like grip.

Now Lee “where has he been” Carseldine decides to strike back at the vics by breaking our Cameron Whites foot.

It’s really not safe to be an allrounder at the gabba these days, Watson, Noffke, Bichel and White all succumbing to injuries.

While all this was happening the vics fell apart, the all to common site of Hussey, Hodge or White saving them did not occur and the rest did not step up.

John Hastings whose name rings no bells for me at all, made a good debut with the ball taking 3 for 50.

Shall be interesting to see how the vics travel without white at the helm…

bushrangers conquer gabba with my help

Posted by jrod on November 21, 2007 under QLD, VIC | 3 Comments to Read

Thanks to Dick Pound, Greg Shipperd and my blogging genius Victorian have produced the most unlikely result since Julia Roberts allowed Lyle Lovett into her life.

You can forgive the new texas bulls for being a down after losing Noffke, Bichel and Broad from bowling duties.

But getting bowled out for 70 odd is nasty and usually you can’t blame injuries on your bowlers for it.

Losing Noffke for the bulls at the moment is akin to losing Hitler 4 weeks into the war, things will go on, but they won’t be the same.

I think it’s a good thing for the Queenslanders that they can blame this loss on their injuries, because we know that the Bushrangers were gonna come back and win this one regardless.

Nofke and Bichel run away scared

Posted by jrod on November 20, 2007 under QLD, VIC | Be the First to Comment

Apparently my blog holds more weight than I thought.

Ashley Noffke has disappeared, the word on the street was that Aliens had abducted him, then I was sent via telegram this afternoon.

“I, Dick Pound, having stared at Ashley Noffkes jar of wee for 12 hours, and having watched the past and present tapes of Mr Noffke, can come to no other conclusion that Mr Noffke is a Drug cheat, and as such he is in a underground bunker in Monaco being interrogated by rabid monkeys”

So that explains why he wasn’t out there.

All this confused Greg Shipperd, who after reading my blog knew that he needed to get rid of Noffke, but since Dick had him, Greg decided to take Andy Bichel out instead.

These brave men have made it slightly easier for the bushrangers to make one hell of a come back.

The main man of the Brad pack, Hodge, went on a rampage against the newly toothless new texas side and scooped up a double ton. While that was happening Nick (sot) Jewell decided on a big hundred of his own. While the rest of the vic batsmen played cards.

Could victoria really win this game?